Understanding Anxious Attachment and Helpful Tips
Understanding Anxious Attachment and Helpful Tips
Ambivalent attachment, also known as anxious-ambivalent attachment, is a pattern of attachment that can develop in childhood due to inconsistent or unpredictable parenting.
Anxious Attachment Style Symptoms
An anxious attachment style is characterized by a strong desire for emotional closeness and intimacy, combined with a fear of abandonment or rejection. Individuals with this attachment style tend to be overly preoccupied with their relationships, ignore themselves, and can exhibit a range of symptoms and behaviors that reflect their anxieties. Here are some common symptoms of an anxious attachment style:
Constant Need for Reassurance: People with an anxious attachment style often seek constant reassurance from their partners, wanting to hear affirmations of love and commitment frequently.
Fear of Abandonment: Anxious individuals may have an intense fear of being abandoned or left alone, leading to clingy behavior and an inability to handle separations well.
Overanalyzing and Overthinking: Individuals with this attachment style tend to overthink and overanalyze their relationships, reading deeply into their partner's actions and words for signs of potential abandonment.
Mood Swings: Fluctuations in mood and emotions can be common for those with anxious attachment. They might feel euphoric when things are going well in the relationship, but become extremely distressed if they perceive any signs of distance or conflict.
Jealousy and Possessiveness: Anxious individuals may display jealousy and possessiveness toward their partners, fearing that any outside relationships or interactions will threaten the connection they have.
Rapid Intensity: Anxious attachers tend to move quickly in relationships, becoming emotionally invested and attached at a faster pace than their partners. This intensity can sometimes be overwhelming for the partner.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries can be a challenge for those with an anxious attachment style. They might prioritize their partner's needs and desires over their own, often leading to neglect of their own well-being.
Conflict Avoidance or Over-Engagement: Anxious individuals might oscillate between avoiding conflicts due to the fear of pushing their partner away and engaging in conflicts due to their emotional sensitivity and need for reassurance.
Dependence on Relationships for Self-Worth: People with an anxious attachment style tend to derive a significant portion of their self-esteem and self-worth from their relationships. Their well-being may be strongly tied to their partner's responses and behavior.
Difficulty Letting Go: Even in relationships that are not healthy or fulfilling, those with an anxious attachment style might struggle to let go. They may hold onto hope that things will change, even when it's clear that the relationship isn't meeting their needs.
It's important to note that having an anxious attachment style doesn't mean a person will exhibit all of these symptoms, and the severity can vary from person to person. However, in order to heal ambivalent attachment in relationships, it is important to work on how to move from anxious attachment to a secure attachment style.
Strategies On How to Fix Anxious Attachment Style:
Develop self-awareness: Becoming aware of your attachment style and how it affects your behavior and emotions can help you take steps to change it. Also, identifying triggers and recognizing the signs.
Practice self-care: Engage in activities that promote emotional regulation, such as meditation, exercise, and journaling. Work on giving yourself the love, support, and kindness you did not receive as a child.
Identify needs/wants: Since the tendency is to lose yourself in relationships, identifying your needs and wants is important.
Improve communication: Work on clarification and expressing your needs and feelings in a clear and direct manner, and listen actively to your partner.
Identify patterns: Look at things such as protest behaviors (any attempts to reconnect with your partner like playing games, calling, texting, keeping score, reheating to leave, being manipulative, etc) in order to test or get reassurance. Look for ways you overanalyze, personalize, jump to conclusions, or find yourself taking things negatively.
Set healthy boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your partner and communicate them in a respectful manner. Recognizing that it is ok to say “no” and noticing where you feel the most resentment can be a key to a lack of boundaries.
Learn how to manage emotions: Find ways to manage your emotions without your partner's reassurance or approval such as pausing, taking a breath, and slowing down enough to make a choice about how to respond (be proactive rather than reactive). Another strategy is to name what you feel or notice what you feel and where in your body you have sensations.
Explore: Try to identify places outside your comfort zone (since your exploratory muscle hasn’t been used)
Think outside the box: Identify how a secure individual in your life would handle the same situation differently.
Seek therapy: Working with a therapist can help you explore your attachment history and develop strategies for building more secure relationships.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an anxious attachment style, seeking therapy or counseling can be beneficial in exploring these patterns, building healthier relationships, and improving overall emotional well-being.
For more on attachment styles I recommend “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller or check out some links below:
https://www.simplypsychology.org/anxious-attachment-style.html
https://happinessclinic.substack.com/p/calming-the-anxious-attachment-style?sd=pf
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ambivalent-attachment-7-signs-causes-steps-to-heal
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/self-regulation-anxious-attachment-triggers/
https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-insecure-attachment-style#is-change-possible
