Embracing the "Angry Side" as a Protector: How to Express and Regulate Ourselves
Understanding and Managing Anger: Tips for Taking Back Control
As a therapist, I’ve learned to appreciate the complexity of anger. It’s often dismissed as a negative emotion, but anger has a purpose—it’s a signal that something within or around us needs to change. In many cases, our anger protects us, stepping in when we feel vulnerable or taken advantage of. It acts as a boundary when we haven’t been able to set one ourselves.
One thing I’ve noticed is that anger often stems from not giving ourselves permission to make choices. We may feel trapped, unable to act in alignment with our needs, or powerless to change our circumstances.
At the same time, we may also struggle to let others make their own choices, and this internal tension leaves us feeling stuck. When we deny ourselves the right to make decisions or try to control what’s outside of our control, frustration builds—and it eventually manifests as anger.
While anger serves a purpose, it’s important to learn how to express it and regulate it in healthy ways. Here are a few tips to help you navigate those intense feelings without letting them consume you:
1. Pause Before Reacting
When anger starts to rise, take a moment to pause. This doesn’t mean ignoring the feeling but giving yourself a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before reacting. Sometimes, just stepping away from the situation allows us to approach it with more clarity and less intensity.
2. Recognize the Feeling Beneath the Anger
Often, anger is a mask for other emotions—fear, sadness, frustration, or a sense of powerlessness. Take a moment to explore what’s really driving your anger. Are you upset because you feel stuck or unheard? Are you frustrated because you haven’t allowed yourself the freedom to make decisions? Acknowledging what’s really going on beneath the surface can help you better understand and manage your feelings.
3. Use “I” Statements
When expressing anger, using “I” statements helps prevent defensiveness in others. For example, “I feel frustrated when…” keeps the focus on your experience rather than assigning blame. This can make it easier for others to hear your perspective and engage in a productive conversation.
4. Set Clear Boundaries
Anger can sometimes stem from not setting clear boundaries with ourselves and others. Give yourself permission to say no, take space, or assert your needs without guilt. When we start honoring our own choices, anger tends to lessen because we feel more empowered and less stuck.
5. Move Your Body
Anger often builds up as energy in the body. Physical movement—whether it’s a brisk walk, yoga, or even some time at the gym—can help release that pent-up energy and bring a sense of calm.
6. Practice Mindful Breathing
Breathing exercises can help regulate your nervous system when you’re feeling angry. Simple techniques like deep belly breathing (inhale for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four) can help shift you from a heightened state of anger to a more grounded place.
Focus on What You Can Control
A significant source of anger is feeling powerless over things outside of our control—other people’s actions, unexpected events, or even past experiences. When we try to control the uncontrollable, we set ourselves up for frustration. One key to managing anger is recognizing what’s within our control and what isn’t.
Here’s how you can start shifting your focus:
Shift Your Energy to What You Can Control: Ask yourself, "Is this within my power to change?" If the answer is no, shift your focus to something you can influence, such as your response, your perspective, or your next steps. Focusing on what you can control can prevent you from spiraling into frustration.
Accept What You Cannot Change: Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. It simply means acknowledging the reality of a situation. When we resist accepting what we can’t change, anger builds. Accepting a situation for what it is allows us to redirect our energy towards what we can do, freeing us from emotional overload.
Reframe Your Perspective: When feeling angry about something beyond your control, try to reframe the situation. Ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" or "How can this help me grow?" Shifting your mindset from frustration to empowerment can help release anger.
Develop Coping Strategies: Life is unpredictable, and things won’t always go our way. Develop strategies—like mindfulness, journaling, or talking things out with someone you trust—that help you manage situations that are beyond your control. Over time, this builds resilience and reduces feelings of helplessness.
By focusing on what’s within your control, you’ll feel more empowered and less weighed down by anger or frustration. It’s a practice that takes time but can ultimately lead to greater emotional balance and peace.
When to Seek Therapy
If you find yourself constantly struggling with anger—whether it’s feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unable to manage the emotion—it might be time to seek support. Anger can be a sign of deeper issues like anxiety, depression, or unresolved trauma. Therapy can help you explore the roots of your anger, give you tools to express it in healthy ways, and ultimately free you from the cycle of frustration and emotional overload.
If you're navigating these emotions and feel stuck, don’t hesitate to reach out. Therapy offers a safe space to work through these feelings and move towards a more peaceful, empowered way of living. You deserve to make choices for yourself and feel supported in doing so.
-Melissa
